Finding My Build

What Elden Ring taught me about learning who I really am

One of the first things you do when starting Elden Ring is choose your build.

Before you even step into the world, the game asks a quiet but important question: How do you want to approach this journey?

Every character begins with a different distribution of abilities—strength, dexterity, intelligence, endurance, and faith. Those choices shape how you experience the entire game. Some characters move slowly but hit like a truck. Others are quick and precise. Some rely on magic, others on patience and timing.

At first, it looks like a technical decision. But the longer you play the game, the more philosophical that choice becomes.

Your build is not just about what the character can do. It reflects how you approach problems.

Some players rush forward and overwhelm enemies with force. Some players study patterns and strike at the right moment. Others rely on strategy, tools, and positioning.

There is no universal “best” way to play.

There is only the way that works for you.

That lesson hit me harder than I expected.

Because for a long time in my real life, I felt like I was trying to play the “right build”.

Learning what actually works for you

One of the biggest realizations I had while playing Elden Ring is that every player eventually has to confront the same question:

What kind of player am I?

Not the player the internet says you should be.

Not the player who looks impressive on YouTube.

The player that actually fits your instincts, your strengths, and your patience level.

At first, many players try to imitate what they see others doing. They chase the “meta” builds—the most powerful strategies according to the community. They attempt to replicate the perfect character someone else designed.

But eventually something happens.

You realize that build doesn’t quite fit you.

Maybe it requires reflexes you don’t naturally have. Maybe it depends on play styles that feel frustrating instead of satisfying. Maybe it forces you to play in a way that doesn’t align with your personality.

And that’s when the deeper realization arrives:

The goal is not to play the game the “best” way.

The goal is to play the game in a way that actually works for you.

That shift—from imitation to self-knowledge—is powerful.

Stat distribution in real life

In Elden Ring, every level gives you stat points to distribute. Every point you invest strengthens certain abilities while leaving others weaker. Over time, your choices shape the entire direction of your character.

Life works in a surprisingly similar way.

All of us are constantly investing energy in different areas:

Strength. Creativity. Intellect. Empathy. Discipline. Community.

But unlike a video game, we often don’t get to start with a clean character creation screen. Many of us begin life with stat points already assigned by circumstance.

Family environments. Economic realities. Cultural expectations. The roles other people project onto us.

For many Black men in particular, those projections can be heavy. Society often assigns identities before we have the chance to define them ourselves.

Strength is emphasized. Survival skills are required. Emotional armor becomes necessary.

You learn to invest stat points just to stay alive.

But eventually, growth asks a different question.

What do you actually want your life to scale with?

Discovering your real build

For me, that question has taken years to answer.

Am I an artist? A teacher? A choreographer? A mentor? A facilitator of healing spaces?

At different points in my life I felt pressure to pick only one identity. The world often rewards specialization, and it can be tempting to reduce yourself to a single role that others understand easily.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that identity works more like a build than a label.

You experiment.You test strategies.You refine what works.

Sometimes you realize a skill you invested in doesn’t actually serve the direction you want to grow. Sometimes you discover abilities you didn’t know you had.

In Elden Ring, players eventually learn that the strongest characters are not the ones who copy someone else’s build. The strongest characters are the ones whose abilities align with how the player naturally approaches challenges.

The same principle applies to life.

Real growth happens when your abilities, your values, and your direction start aligning.

Growth as intentional leveling

Another interesting part of Elden Ring is how slow meaningful growth actually is.

You gain experience little by little. You fight difficult enemies. You learn from mistakes. You slowly refine your strategy.

Leveling up takes time.

There are no shortcuts.

That pacing mirrors an important aspect of personal development. Growth rarely happens through dramatic transformation. More often, it happens through small adjustments repeated over time.

You learn patience.

You learn discipline.

You learn which skills actually serve your journey.

And eventually, you begin to see the shape of your build more clearly.

Choosing your path

One of the most freeing realizations I’ve had while playing Elden Ring is that there is no single correct way to move through the world.

Some players rush forward and fight everything. Others explore quietly and grow stronger before confronting major challenges. Some rely on magic. Some rely on physical skill. Some rely on community and cooperative play.

All of those approaches are valid.

What matters is that your choices align with the direction you want to grow.

That insight applies just as much to life as it does to gaming.

A lot of people spend years trying to live according to builds they didn’t choose. They follow scripts handed to them by family expectations, institutions, or cultural pressure.

But healing often begins when you ask a different question:

What kind of person do I actually want to become?

Not what the world expects.

Not what looks impressive.

But what truly fits your spirit, your values, and the direction you want your life to grow.

The deeper lesson

Elden Ring begins with character creation, but the real journey is learning who you become through experience.

Your build evolves.

Your strategy evolves.

Your understanding of yourself evolves.

And maybe that’s one of the most important lessons the game offers.

There is no perfect build.

There is only the build that grows out of honest self-knowledge.

The one that reflects your strengths, your limitations, and the direction you choose to move in the world.

And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do—both in a game and in life—is stop trying to copy someone else’s character sheet…

and finally start building your own.